| abeins poetry and such | ||||||||||||||||||||
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abeins domain of poetry and useless crap about his life hello...i am abein...that isnt my real name if it was i probably wouldnt like it and post a fake one like i am now...i am 16 and i go to an alternative night skool cus im usually not keen on people...i dont like people much...i do have friends only a few though...i enjoy reading and writing poetry i also enjoy being a general nusance and annoyance to others...so it goes...but for now this page needs my attention...wich is going to be as little as i can give it...::manicle laughter::... well then on to other parts of my page if you wish...if you do happen to stop by please sign my guest book and other sorts of things i dont know why i put all this on my page noone will listen to me anyways...so it goes...well then...on with the page here is my poetry i only release them in tens so deal with it...my mail is [email protected] ok...bye I AM some run others flee all fear i am the hated i am the un wanted i am i am the denied i am bane incarnate i am i am your end i am the idiot i am i am the end WANTED GONE love is for the blind life is for the dead i live my life in darkness my hatred doth spread spinning through life my personal hell i still believeve noone is on my side i hate everyone and everyone hates me i feel my only way out ... suicide being born is not the beginning of life being born is the beginning of your own personal hell noone wishes to hear my voice i am nothing a husk a shell i want to stop the bull shit i want to stop the calls i want to stop the idiots i want to stop it all i want to find something i want to find a way to make god fall i want to find the truth i want to find it... find it all a number on my forehead to make me like the rest i want to be different no desire to be the best i am gone gone away i am gone gone astray FAR AWAY i awake still i am tranquill i awake far away i hear screams and mumbles i hear the shouts of those tortured in my self i sleep in my bed i lay in my head i dream in my world i stay untouched unapproved undone unused love a concept foriegn love an untouched object love i do not know love i ubject knowing not of life knowing not of love knowing not of god knowing not of the above changed by life changed by hate changed by family changed by fate death the only constant death the way out death the only unchanged death ... i bow out LINGERING PAIN living in my life lingering in my self living out the path lingering pain inside me living how i want lingering shame living the only way i can lingering in my head living up to my fate lingering sensations living wreck lingering..... living......death AUGMENT i only want acceptance so why am i shunned i only wish peace so why am i at war i only have nothing so why do i hold myself i only take piece of mind so why do i not think i only look for difference so why am i the same i only live in hell so why do i feel serene i only lust for others so why do i have noone i only seek company so why am i alone SHE she is everything to me she is as president in my life as the sun she is just as important as well shes been nowere near me yet shes so close to my heart shes all encompasing shes all of my life shes not mine she will never be i wouldnt dare ask her she is my everthing and that is why to even talk to her would bring her down to my level and thats a place id never want her to be this is a subject i dont wish to dwell in please remember i live it its just that i am never going to find myself i can only find her wich is something i dont dare do for she is the embodyment of my god and my god i do not tempt my god i do not overthrow RUNNING FROM GOD running always runing from something from everything always from myself never wanted always by my own self never taken can i always keep running can i keep it all inside can i keep it going can i ever be like evryone else seeing my lust watching my hate seeing my love watching it all fade will i ever stop will i find what i want will i ever drop will i find god if god is there hes not answering why do i even care if i need something why not tell me my faith is non exsistant your keeping me in the dark my eyes will see through it your trickery is parlor godliness is measured only in tretchery being so godamn hard to see dosent help why are we molded in your imagery i now see you too are fucked up that would explain it that would explain it all like me you are so full of shit i will never kneel to myself HUMANITY alone alone in this world i need noone i care not but ohh to be touched to be felt but it is never such love is not a feeling love is a mutual understanding sex has no meaning sex is just a past time... a hobby everyone is ignorant noone understands everyone leaves me be noone gives me demands i just want to kill them kill them all i just need to find him (god) kill him too i i realize the ways i see the fate i want to break away i want to see it crash i look for god i find nothing i look for the fasade i find the truth UNTITLED ive hateed evryone longing for compassion i love none i find nothing i bruise my skin just so i can feel i look for kin i find ass's loving is an emotion thats effortless longing is a form of life hating is a natural response finding things is not easy pain is a physical response to what would harm you family is a heirrarchy wich you do not need do not believe all the shit do not fear life only hate it always be your own god THE DARK EMBRACE i have lived so many lives ive lived in hate ive lived as everything i embrace the warmth embrace the darkness embrace the chaos embrace the hate might i take something from hate have i pleasure from being a jerk ive never let anyone get close i fear intamacy i hunger for love nay should i ever look for it ISOLATION i hate them i hate em all i fear i will kill ... with good reason tired of all the idiots conformaty my only escape isolation my favorite past time ive seen my future lived my past i see nothing... but isolation DO NOT do not look for someone find yourself do not stick your neck out be conservitave do not look for love let it find you do not trust rely only upon yourself do not flaunt your talents pretend you have none do not worship god find your own path do not wait for deth live for it do not pay attention fake interest do not read my bullshit live like you will LIVE live your life live for god live for others live for others live for love live your story live your fate live your own live with pain live for hate live the lie live your goddamned life no one cares how you live only when you die SOMEDAY love is an unspoken subject ... for me it is i am not like the rest i differ... some ways its not that i cant love just that i cant find... find one person who isnt an idiot who can talk be intelegent and not a bimbo i would rather an intelegent conversation with an intellegent wemon then the most earth shattering sex with as many wemon possible i do not lust for beauty only .. i seek company if this person should exsist i will find her someday... WE we need we need to find a way past all discrepencys these problems our pasts to our future together when we find it were we can be were we can be for eachother for our lives for our own brand of happiness only then may we truly begin to live to not notice our lives but to notice our time together THE SEARCH i have a need to find something i do not know what or just want is it so hard to discern there is no difference only small variation no beliefe in god i have so no help from him i will seek all the answers are inside to questions not yet asked to realizations not yet reached maybe never will be asked or reached i cannot ask others for fear of their answers almost like i dont want to know i need to laugh to cry breath again to be human once more so long ive been dead deep inside i am no longer no longer human with out feel or texture i fear myself more then most for what ill do to others to myself to all who cross me yet i search still i search and still i find nothing THE SYSTEM i am different from the system a fluke an anomaly no desire to be anyone not wanting to live nor die just wanting to be out out of the humdrum cycle of reality tired of the endless cycle and of the endless bullshit fuck i am so tired so god damned tired i just wanna destroythe system to watch it burn would do me good if i have to take it apart myself i would if i had too AMENDMENTS i just want to make a statement a fuking statement bout how the system sucks how religeon is crap god isnt real his dumas is dead has been for a long time stop praying start hating people will say im just upset because i do not have a desireable life a beautiful face or a good reputation well ill tell you ive lived a lot more then most i dont take things for granted i doubt i think for myself if they still say the same ive got one thing to say fuck the hell off i am an american teen most are like me most hate yern love and abolish we unite and you will fall FORGET IT ALL i dismiss things too often i dismiss them because i hate it all and im afraid of rejection or being ridiculed dismissing is easier than thought its erasing its cleaning the shit out out your head i do it often ive cleaned more then ive learned i guess i act a little too linear lots of decisions i make but there always on the same path i strive to be different i remain the same why do i try or bother with all this shit i guess HAH i guess i am human (after all this i still am) SOCIETY i know i am so full of shit and so very angry i have a reson ...society they have made me this way dead wishing i was different all american its all their fault they are my scape goat i am not for no goddamned reason i am a product of modern society a number on my fore head a label on my ass nothing more then society I SEE i see you for what you are your prostetic synthetic ive seen what youve become your so utterly pathetic to erradicate would be bliss to annihilate would be heaven why go on living why do you even try everyone ignores you they leave you out to dry fuck the system i dont care fuck it all see if i notice dont you even dare no one gets close to me ill fuck your brains out you pansy ass duplicate deal with life you nobody nothing is left to fate leave me be i am long gone you still dont see but i do TO BE living here in my mind i seem to be nowere still i cannot find... anything at all to be would be heaven ignorance is bliss fuck it all make it all go to piss dont mind your life ...your being dont be yourself be like the rest fuck why am i wanting this pop culture a lot of nothing life a lot of shit dont pretend its something a mindless drone taking all for granted a non thinkng being a non living shit head (ohh to be) UNKNOWN my palms are sweating my head is pounding im too nervouse to move im too busy trying to look like someone else that i do not notice that shes already passed me but her smell is still with me like nectar a faint peach smell strong as the purest vanillia but as delicate as silk i turn to see her just in time her milky legs leading to her dress her dress a prominent red her hair a brown like chocolate everything is a blur while shes put into perfect focus i stare for what seems hours not wanting to look away she stops i panic as she turns i see her large brown eyes i still not wanting to look away i must not let her see me i dodge behind a corner hoping she did not see me i hear the light sounds of her shoes hitting the tiles i panic further and begin to sweat my heart again pounding a burning in my chest images racing through my head her steps stop then begin again they get fainter and fainter until i can no longer hear her steps elegantly caressing the linoleum i am safe from being seen or discovered i will remain this way for i do not dare let on to her i will remain for the longest time unseen and unknown always in the shadows always in her shadow i will remain... ...unknown SLOW METHODICAL DESTRUCTION OF ONE SELF my head empty my soul a shard the world a sham living is so very hard this bag of flesh this pile of sin i have only... yet to begin i wish to kill kill them all before i die before i fall i only need myself get near me and you will pay i invision my demise never will i pray god is so full of shit i am the essence of blasphemy ive killed "god" dont even call it a tradgety erradicate annihilate obliterate obsfugate i vanish into eternal darkness my meaning is such you cannot begin to harness CES LA VIS to live you must experience dont give me that bullshit about faith i mean live experience everything meet people dont settle find your "one" find your "soul" mate or just fuck as many people as time permits dont rely upon one person make a network of friends and supporters if one line breaks you have others or just fuck your friends over you can make new ones there are 4 billion people in this world dont just hang with a half dozen and sleep with one or two sleep fuck em over and kill em all... thats what this person says dont take advice make your own and keep it to yourself if the best time youve ever had is using a substance maybe you should use it if your confused as to were you are ask someone if your confused as to who you are look in a mirror you fuking moron everything you are will be in what is seen you do go deeper but noone looks there dont fixate on saving or losing people fixate on what and were you are when youve figured this out youll know everything... now wont you? MY ROOM my breath is warm it is all i can hear and see it is so very cold were i lay it is so lonely in my room all cold and dark suddenly i can hear my heartbeat going along its course my room lights up with the headlights of a passing car im laying awake eyes open staring blankly at my celing hoping to sleep soon hoping to rest before the night is done my muscles sore from the days exertion my mind a flood with the thoughts of my "one" the room reminding me of my life empty dark cold lonely my mind still blinking with the light of the one with the love i have for her my heart empty and black as coal i feel there is a war always going always churning inside me all around me im losing to myself but even though i am also winning i do not feel i am i am losing a one party war wich is really quite sad when the only one fighting is me every minute i decend deeper into emptyness into nothingness my thoughts still going of my one and my love for her and my heart still pumping the black vile liquid and the emptyness it brings and i wonder for just one moment what it would be like to have her and i cannot think past that what it would feel like i havent felt in so long that i forget what feelings are and where they come from then i realize i love her i yern for her i would surely give up before i try like i have already forever and longer alone in my dark and desolate room never to sleep never to rest only to think and to listen to my heart in my room... HER i walk through the streets with a sense of fufillment i have just met her for a chance encounter i walk with the thought of her in my head how she speaks her beautiful eyes her full lips how she laughs how she smiles i cannot think of anything else i cannot move from that subject so i ponder of her and wander the streets thinking of where where i want to go what i want to be how to win her over how to make me her one i cannot see anyother way then to trick her i hate to do it but i am no prize i am nothing special at all so i must play little mind games she is very head strong so it will take time time is the only thing i have so i wait and slay all opposers to me wheather it be men or my gods i will not yield for the godess awaits me and im hoping that shell wait a little longer just a little bit more i will finish with this adversary then shell be mine i will crush all and destroy most just for her touch only for her kiss someday i will have her NO no i will not i wont reform i refuse my body will reject you have me optimized and categorized i will takie the road less traveled just to say i have taken it i want to watch it all come down in a ballad of flame and destruction i am agonic and agnostic i will not choose a side i am so very afraid of the very concept of eternity and fear "god" i remain emotionless and motionless youve made me bastardized and remain hypocrized now you turn back to god your god and tell him i am not going back not until ive figured it out until ive figured him out i am not going not now GET OUT all you are is just a whore coming back for more i will not yield you for i have out grown you and your lore gat away from me go try not to sink this low consider me a foe no emotions will i show pack your bags and face the light all you have brought you and your blight face the night hold yourself tight i am something you do not need go ahead wander the earth and spread your seed know my words and my voice you shall heed do this and this shall be your deed wander the earth all drugged and pale face natures force of gale hold yourself and watch your tail and pray that you do not fail for your life is still yours to make do not quake do not shake make believe you have courage...fake for if you come back by force of will all hepped up on your pills and all filled with guilt it is i who shall kill YET ANOTHER CHRISTIAN/GOD BASHING POEM i rise up and try once more i try with all my might but eventually i have to receed to the shadows of night i cannot survive in your world long i always have to retreat you think your something special like youve achieved a great feat but i know what you are so blind and "loving" all you are is control pushing and shoving you are nothing special neither am i the whole world knows you so why dont you try to fly spread your wings of glory and hope for the lord to catch you kissing up to him polishing his shoes do what you will id rather not put my faith into an invisible man in the clouds a ghost a phantasm a wraith faith, why try church, why go christian, why be feelings, why show the felings you really dont have the forgiveness that you have never obtained the building thats nothing but the feeling that youre really stained believe what you wish i will let this subject rest ill let you alone till im ready to conduct my test IN MYSELF a white all around me i feel im blind i close my eyes i can still see the shapes and colors it must be a sign i look straight up i notice its completely covered in whit i look until i see something its a spec at first it moves near it is myself i see me for all i am i see what ive been and were im going and yet i still dont believe its me it looks like me and it moves like me i ask it who it is it tells me 'i am you' i disagree it nods affirmatively 'yes i am' it spouts from its familiar lips 'i am your better half' 'one who does not hate' 'one who loves' 'one who isnt afraid of anything' then you are not me i say to it 'ahhh yes logic' i am getting angry at this point i try to leave and find myself encased in a solid light me and 'my better half' are in a small room i scratch at the walls i try to escape 'always running arent we' 'why do you fear me' i fear myself more then anything else i yell he begins to laugh at me i then lunge at him thinking i will solve the problem with myself i immediately let go when i feel pain im now holding my throught where i was just stragling him i understand now he holds his hand out i resist trying to look away eventually i take his hand he is so cold abbruptly i wake in my room breathing heavily i feel different i feel serene i feel for the first time whole all of a sudden i remember the dream or what i hope was a dream i do not wish to be anyone then who i am now i look down to my hand it still feels cold i shiver and begin to hold myself i begin to really wish that was a dream then suddenly i stop shivering i am no longer cold i feel no fear no pain and i realize i have become what i wanted my wish has been granted i am now one with myself i have found the true me i kept him locked away i kept him chained up feeling calm and unafraid i close my eyes and sleep FIRST AND FOREMOST my eyes are open and im watching the chaos unfold around and about me things are happening funny things these humans are doing buzzing about there existence taking things for granted taking advantage when its needed never taking advice never stopping to look at the big picture never stopping to think "what if there isnt a god" "what if i die today" "what if i never find anything" "what if i never love" i think these thoughts constantly that makes me different that makes me and individual i think i doubt i look i open my eyes and see them for what they are nothing i see shadows walking about the streets living their nothing lives in a nowere society in there nothing lives and i think am i like them and i know that i am different SHADOWS darkness is all i see its all i am i hide from the light if i am caught in it i will surely die so i hide around corners under cars beneath trees cowering below people hiding in places were few look and living in even fewer places for we cannot exist without light and death cannot exist without life a balance but it seems there is far more dark then light wich there is wich there will be always around corners under cars beneath trees cowering below people hiding in places were few look and living in even fewer places we no longer need hosts to carry us we can now move freely free from our prisons our shackles broken our bond shattered and now we rise to a new world to a new challenge to everywere people exist to everywere they dont no longer are we slaves we can roam freely so we rise at once and take back the world that was long ours before anything before everyone we no longer are kept to hiding around corners under cars beneath trees cowering below people hiding in places were few look and living in even fewer places as such we own all and see much so fear all of us and know us well for we are the dark we are around you we see you indeed be afraid ... FOREVER i breathe deeply not thinking not wandering only at peace still as the night is long my breath, steam in the november air my chest moving up then down methodically silently i open my eyes now and i think of the one and if she is thinking of me if she spares a few moments to revel in thoughts of myself and i come to the conclusion that she cant be i am not that important to her i am a mere child to her a weak and pathetic child she being held so high in my mind i cannot even see how she puts up with me my incolence my infadelity do i ask her how she feels or just go on speculating i feel i demand so much and give so little but im just being down wich is usually my prospect but i cannot get past the thought knowing that i am so much less then her in all of my throws of life i cannot attain a higher level a new concioseness but now i feel a something that cannot be whipped i cannot put it aside it is always in front of my face its always in the fore front of my mind but i tire of the world i close my eyes and sleep once more and dream my dreams of the one even without conciouse thought i cannot escape her it is my curse and it will be my life forever THE FIGHT she helps me to carry on and helps me to see she helps me become the man that i could be how could i carry on without her her touch her warmth i couldnt ... and so it is such that i go on living for her and her only no longer do i hate no longer lonely i hide from the light she faces the light and needs not blink i hide in darkness she faces the darkness and needs not think does she spare time to think of me to think if im alright i know i think of her and continually fight i fight myself the thoughts that enter my head the feelings that i have my feelings i hope spread i must tell her how i feel and what must show in hopes that shell feel the same and help me to know that i am wanted and kept for good reason to not be fogotten and her not to shun i look to myself and all i am i feel myself breaking down if it wasnt for her id surely drown i wait and think i look to the day when shell tell me its alright ill put my guard down and no longer will i fight TEARS i see the tears ball up in your eyes could they be tears for me tears of joy tears oif fufillment they begin to collect at the bottum of your beautiful eyes they break freeand drip to your cheeks slowly beautifully they drop to your cheeks and finally fall to the floor making a sound thats irreplaceable you look to me with a longing look i meet your gaze with glassy eyes you seem sad yet happy to see me you wont speak only you scream with your eyes i keep trying to guess what your thniking and come up short handed on ideas i pull you close to me and we drift off into the night still crying you grasp me i slowly caress you inticing you reassuring you everything will be alright let it out you and your tears DEEP and here i sit me and my sorrow no anger like before my heart has been borrowed an emptyness i feel balling up inside me i look so hard for the reason and yet i still do not see the big picture the things that really matter all i see is you the ball still growing getting fatter my love runs deep for you and all you have done for me you have unlocked my cage and set me free yet i stay by you my savior FARE THE WELL she has been gone for a couple of days at least the heart that she once made whole is now incomplete i miss her and wish shed return not make me lay on my back thinking that she has left me scared and distraught i ponder what she might be doing in her abscence anything could go on i can only wait and think of her accustomed to her presence everynight for the longest while am i supposed to quit being addicted just like that at least give me something to remember or a reason why you left a goodbye kiss a farewell hug a kind face breaking contact with her warm and satisfying hand fading into the mist of reality that nothing lasts forever i release my poems only in tens they seem uncomplete singly or in small groups they sometimes form a story...but thats at least to me cus im insane... alright... goodbye... and please check back sometimes to see if ive released new poem packages... |
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